"Every Situation is Different"

Every JET comes to hate those words, yet use them, perhaps even a lot. I recently found a piece of paper on which I leaked my steam of consciousness back in March when my co-teacher called in sick and I was tossed into some awkward pseudo-class. I felt like I had to do something besides just sit there with the sub for and hour so I began to write. I think it is a good example of how different awkward things can get.


March 2010


Normally it would be really rude to just sit here in monastic silence while the P.E. teacher sits next to me. I wonder what he is doing? I wonder what he thinks I should be doing? Is he wondering what I think he thinks he should be doing? What? Do the kids respect me at all? If he was gone what could we possibly be doing right now? If I was somewhere else what could I possibly be doing right now? How can so much of this still be a mystery? The kids are testing us right now. At least I think that. What does he think? Is he not thinking about this at all? Seriously the kids are just copying over and over words into their notebook. How do they feel about this? Does he think I am judging him? I can't believe I am sitting in front of class giving kids looks for talking. I feel like such a sell out. I do it because it's for their own good. That's bull shit. Ah the awkwardness is killing me. It's cancer, it won't stop growing. I can't believe the crap I pull out of my ass. For example, I am in class and nobody talks to me. I single out kids that are doing something that I can ask a stupid question about, i.e. drawing. "Oh, are you drawing?" [Oh dear God, what did she say?!] "Drawing" [F#%@, She is talking to us] "You know (gestures with objects), Drawing" [What the hell is she talking about?! Why us?!? Oh God!] So I am at a dead end. The veteran JET that I now am pulls open my notebook and starts reading anything. I then weave a story around my seemingly absurd actions with my limited Japanese vocabulary. The best part is when victory is achieved, when on a simple level students understand what I am doing, it doesn't matter that what I am doing actually makes no sense at all. It is like observing animals. Before we can care about "why?" we must discover the "what?" And when that is an epic struggle in itself, figuring out "what?" is to be celebrated. This one kid keeps looking at me. He looks evil. He looks like he is waiting for an opportunity. He is literally on the edge of his seat. The teacher keeps readjusting and making grunting noises. Why do you clear your throat when you don't ever say anything? Why are kids looking at each other from across the room? The information games that are going on right now are unbelieveable. I am so far from the loop. Sometimes I wish they had one day in my shoes. I think they might combust. What is opposite? Can things be infinitely far from each other, not measurable, and still be opposite? You can hear the clock ticking. Is this real life? Do the kids in the front feel sorry for themselves? Are they afriad of me? Do I look pissed off? I would think this all sounded insecure, but in this case, I actually have no idea what is going one. I'm curious. Wow! Has it almost been 45min already. This $%&+ is crazy. I would rather be napping. My body is in WTF mode. Am I being self-absorbed? Is he really looking at the clock instead of me? I honestly just thought - "just pretend it's a pap smear, it will be over soon." The room certainly feels cold and sterile enough. What's for lunch? That white rice is crack. Everyone wants this to be over. Did I say how uncomfortable this makes me?